The Most Effective Way to Start a Fight

In a relationship, we make lots of assumptions about our partner’s intentions.

Their tone sounds frustrated, so we assume they’re frustrated with us.

Their facial expression seems uninterested, so we assume they’re uninterested in what we’re telling them.

They didn’t answer our texts for a few hours, so we assume they’re purposely ignoring us.

Our assumptions are based on perception, not reality, so they cannot be heavily relied on. You can, however, rely on the answer your partner gives you about their intentions. You just have to ask.

So, why don’t we ask?

It takes just seconds for our brain to assign meaning to observations of our partner. It considers:

• Is there any (perceived) danger here?

• Based on our past experiences with this person and other people like this person, what is most likely going on here?

• How can I keep this human safe?

Filtering the current situation through a lens from the past is what keeps us stuck in ongoing conflict. We assume our partner’s intentions are the same as they were the last time this happened, or when this happened five years ago, or when our ex did this, or when our parents made us feel this way growing up. While we’re trying to learn from these past experiences and keep ourselves safe, we may be assigning faulty meaning to our partner’s actions.

Ask yourself:

• Is the meaning I’m putting on my partner’s behavior in line with the type of person I believe them to be the majority of the time?

• Have I ever felt this way in a close relationship in the past (with an ex, a close friend, a parent)?

• Does it serve me (and our relationship) to view my partner through this lens? If not, what meaning could I make of this behavior that would serve us?

By pausing and self-reflecting before reacting, you’re changing the pattern. You’re giving yourself the opportunity to see your partner through a new lens, respond in a new way, and experience a new outcome. You’re stopping the cycle of conflict.