5 Ways to Communicate Better By Listening
You know what couples tend to be really bad at?
Listening.
Like, truly listening.
It’s one of the most powerful lessons we need to learn if we’re going to be in a safe, emotionally supportive relationship. It’s also a powerful lesson to learn as we work to dismantle systemic racism in the U.S.
Let’s talk about what being a better listener looks like:
You’re open-minded, not defensive. You are willing to listen with a blank slate in your mind. You have no preconceived notion of what the other person is going to say. You’re not becoming preemptively defensive and building a case for why your perspective is right, theirs is wrong, or picking apart each point they present as they speak. You’ve dropped fully into your role as a listener and feel no need to guard your own beliefs.
You emotionally self-regulate. You are aware of your physiological sensations (heart rate, muscle tension, breathing rate) and notice signs of escalation. You use self-soothing strategies to manage emotional flooding. These strategies may be 4-7-8 breathing, going for a walk, doing a puzzle, EFT/tapping, or meditation. If you’re having a hard time effectively self-regulating, you can opt to take a break.
You listen for feelings. One way listeners go wrong is by focusing on the facts presented by the other person and the ways they’re in conflict with their own perception of the facts. You can debate two schools of thought for-ev-er. So, why bother? It’s not about disputing each other’s perspective, it’s about caring about the other person enough to acknowledge their emotional experience. As they speak, listen for feeling words. Are they frustrated? Angry? Hurt? Feeling deprioritized? If you’re having a hard time finding this in the other person’s communication, ask for it. You can say something like, “can you tell me a bit more about your emotional experience? How are you feeling in this?”
Your goal is to understand the other person’s experience. Not to challenge it. Not to judge it. Not to reason with them about why it’s wrong. Your job, as a good listener, is to walk away from the conversation with a deeper, more accurate understanding of the other person's perspective. Work on showing up to the conversation in this mindset, so you can be ready to hear what they have to share.
You validate the other person’s perspective. Validation does not mean, “how would I, Meredith, think or feel in this situation.” It means, “if I were this person, with their lived experiences, how might I think and feel in this situation? Is it possible that I could think and feel the way they did?” You can say something like, “given what you’ve described to me and everything you’ve experienced, it makes sense that you’d feel _____.”
I invite you to consider these qualities of good listeners as you chat with your partner or do your daily debrief. For White readers, I invite you to consider how you may apply and embody these qualities as you have opportunities to learn more about the experiences of Black people and People of Color.