Are You Microrejecting Your Partner?
If you’ve been around for a bit, you’re probably familiar with rituals of connection. These are small, positive interactions you have with your partner on a consistent basis. They build the foundation for good feelings, offering benefit of the doubt, and seeing your partner through rose-colored glasses.
Rituals of connection are powerful.
But, if microrejections are happening, their effectiveness is going to be reduced. The deposits they’re making in the emotional bank account are going to be chipped away.
Microrejections are tiny moments of turning away from one another.
For example:
Your partner shares something with you about their day, but you’re only half listening because you’re watching TV or scrolling on social media.
You ask your partner what they want for dinner and get no response. They’re staring at the computer screen and it seems they haven’t even noticed you’re there.
You’re somewhere together and your partner uses that time to catch up on phone calls.
None of these scenarios are meant to be harmful, but I can tell you they are.
In my house, a frequent flyer is #2. My husband works long hours, from home, in front of a computer. I can walk into his office, say hello, ask him a question, and he never looks up from his computer (or responds).
Each time this happens I feel annoyed, unimportant, and like he doesn’t even know I exist. Sometimes, I’ll test him (I know, it’s not a good idea). I’ll ask a question, wait for a minute or so, then leave the room. After maybe 15 minutes, if he hasn’t followed up, I’ll go back and stand there. This tactic is, of course, so I can prove my point of just how unaware of me he is in these moments.
There was a time in the past where this type of interaction would have led to a huge fight. I would have been angry and given him the silent treatment or held a grudge all night. I may have made whatever I wanted for dinner and not even told him when it was ready.
But, that doesn’t feel good.
It doesn’t feel satisfying or fulfilling to live like that with a spouse.
It’s tense, uncomfortable, and exhausting.
We’ve invested time and energy in establishing rituals of connection, building our emotional bank account, and using the communication framework to break long-standing patterns of criticism and defensiveness. So now, when these moments happen, we can talk about them.
I can ask him to please give me 3 minutes of his full attention, so I can feel heard and like a priority. He can tell me whether this is not the best time and ask me to come back in a half hour.
We can navigate this with ease and minimal hard feelings.
Each time our partner reaches out to us is an opportunity to connect, offer support, and help them feel safe. If we don’t notice the outreach, we miss the opportunity. Worse, we may act in a way that feels rejecting or dismissive.
Over time, our partner may learn to stop reaching out. They may believe that sharing with us doesn’t yield good results or leaves them feeling worse than before. If this feeling grows, it can create a void in emotional intimacy. It can open the door to feeling connected to, supported by, and safe with someone outside the relationship.
Being aware of the ways we may inadvertently be microrejecting our partner is the first step.
I want you to think about the last 24 hours. In what ways did your partner reach out to you? When did they start to tell you a story or share something about their day? Did you notice their attempt in the moment? How did you respond?
This is an opportunity to become more aware and do better.
I challenge you - for the next 7 days - to be on the lookout for your partner reaching out in some way. Catch those opportunities to connect and use them. Be present, put the phone down, and pause the TV. Look your partner in the eye and really listen to what they’re sharing. Use the communication skills you’ve learned to summarize and validate how they’re feeling.
Let me know in the comments below - what is one way your partner attempts to connect with you?