Blog
Why Anger is Our Preferred Emotion
We have to know what we’re feeling before we can share it with our partner.
When I meet with couples and teach them the communication framework, it becomes apparent that labeling their feelings is something new.
They often jump to - “angry,” “frustrated,” or “fine.”
It can be hard to go deeper and tune in to the feelings that are simmering beneath the surface. These are the more vulnerable emotions that are uncomfortable to sit with, like lonely, unimportant, not thought of, not cared for, or judged. Many of us are skilled at jumping from discomfort to anger, where we can focus on something or someone outside of ourselves and project all our hurt there.
What Happens When I Yell at My Husband
Last weekend, I yelled at my husband.
It was one of those moments that was so incredibly small, but a few years ago would have gone nuclear.
We were unpacking the car and he went to open the trunk, but it wouldn’t open. I could hear the mechanism unlocking over and over again, but the trunk was stuck. Now, my husband has a tendency to break things. Which I suppose sounds critical, so let me say… I wish my husband would be a bit more gentle with things.
I was annoyed, got out of the car, and snapped at him.
“What did you do to it?!”
5 Ways to Communicate Better By Listening
You know what couples tend to be really bad at?
Listening.
Like, truly listening.
It’s one of the most powerful lessons we need to learn if we’re going to be in a safe, emotionally supportive relationship. It’s also a powerful lesson to learn as we work to dismantle systemic racism in the U.S.
Let’s talk about what being a better listener looks like:
You’re open-minded, not defensive. You are willing to listen with a blank slate in your mind. You have no preconceived notion of what the other person is going to say. You’re not becoming preemptively defensive and building a case for why your perspective is right, theirs is wrong, or picking apart each point they present as they speak. You’ve dropped fully into your role as a listener and feel no need to guard your own beliefs.
It's not about how it should be, it's about how it feels.
If there’s something happening in your relationship that doesn’t feel good, like:⠀
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💔 You’re communicated with in a way that’s not comfortable.⠀
💔 The division of labor feels off.⠀
💔 You don’t have enough quality time together.⠀
💔 You don’t feel connected or close to one another.⠀
💔 You experience your partner yelling at you or using harsh tones.⠀
💔 You don’t feel heard or understood when you share your perspective.⠀
💔 You feel dismissed or rejected when you reach out.⠀
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You don’t need to build a case for why your partner is wrong for doing these things.⠀
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You feeling hurt by it is enough.
Are You Microrejecting Your Partner?
If you’ve been around for a bit, you’re probably familiar with rituals of connection. These are small, positive interactions you have with your partner on a consistent basis. They build the foundation for good feelings, offering benefit of the doubt, and seeing your partner through rose-colored glasses.
Rituals of connection are powerful.
But, if microrejections are happening, their effectiveness is going to be reduced. The deposits they’re making in the emotional bank account are going to be chipped away.
Microrejections are tiny moments of turning away from one another.
Let's talk about what DOESN'T work
Let’s talk about what doesn’t work.
I’m sure you have already tried everything to feel closer to your partner again.
You’ve tried asking your partner why they don’t want to spend time with you, but they say, “I do,” and nothing ever changes.
You’ve tried waiting for them to make the first move and invite you to watch a show together or join you for a cup of coffee in the morning, but they don’t.
You act angry and withdrawn to show your partner that something is clearly bothering you. You hope they’ll realize and take some action, but nothing happens.
Feel Closer to Your Partner in 7 Days
My Feel Closer to Your Partner in 7 Days Coaching Program begins on Monday!
I’m excited to take another group of couples through this powerful transformation.
Here’s what you’ll learn:
The three areas of your relationship you MUST focus on if you’re going to feel connected
My top 17 suggestions for joint activities that strengthen those areas (don’t worry, you’re only choosing ONE)
A simple daily practice for shifting how you think and feel about your partner immediately
My 20 minute exercise for feeling deeply connected to and supported by your partner every day
The three things you’re doing in conversation that lead to emotional disconnection
4 things you can do to show up for your partner and relationship, even when you don’t feel like it
The exact habits you and your partner need to create to feel more appreciated
How Friendship + Intimacy Break Down
Let’s go more in depth on the emotional bank account. We know that when the ratio is skewed towards the negative we can feel misunderstood and frustrated in our relationship. But, what happens if the balance remains low over time?
Friendship breaks down. Emotional intimacy breaks down. Physical intimacy breaks down.
It’s like a domino effect, as one leads to the next.