How Friendship + Intimacy Break Down

Let’s go more in depth on the emotional bank account. We know that when the ratio is skewed towards the negative we can feel misunderstood and frustrated in our relationship. But, what happens if the balance remains low over time?

Friendship breaks down. Emotional intimacy breaks down. Physical intimacy breaks down.

It’s like a domino effect, as one leads to the next.

What does it feel like when the emotional bank account remains low?

It becomes nearly impossible to have fun together. You no longer prioritize a weekly date night or watching your favorite TV show together because it just doesn’t feel good. You talk less. You get out of the habit of debriefing about your days in the evening because you don’t feel supported by one another, so what’s the point? Once the kids are asleep, you go to opposite corners of the house. One of you is in the bedroom, the other in the basement - living separately. You don’t go to bed together and there are very few opportunities to be intimate. You barely touch each other if you do end up on the couch at the same time, so who would feel like jumping into bed?

As we experience our relationship this way over time, we try to make sense of it. We decide our partner must have changed or we just fell out of love.

The truth is most times it’s none of the above. As life stressors, responsibilities, and work commitments increased, you naturally had less time for one another. Add a child or two to this mix and there’s almost no downtime for you as a couple. We take for granted the freedom we have in the evenings and on weekends in the early days of our relationship. Back then, grabbing dinner out on a whim was the norm. We would go with the flow and things felt good. We didn’t even realize we were doing it, so we certainly didn’t realize when we stopped.

Now, there are fewer opportunities to connect positively and many more chances to be snappy, short, and stressed when you’re together.

Your emotional bank account balance drops lower and lower until you are no longer able to give one another the benefit of the doubt, recall positive memories to get through tough moments, and trust that this negative feeling will pass. This becomes the norm and your relationship rarely feels good, if at all.

You can do something about a low emotional bank account.

It doesn’t have to stay that way, though. I have seen couples do the work and move forward - happily, connected, and feeling a closeness they didn’t think they’d ever regain.

By the way, I take couples through this process in my FREE video training, Feel More Loved in One Hour a Week.

Photo: Arthur Ogleznev