It's not about how it should be, it's about how it feels.

Fight Less

May 29

May 2020 - 5_27_20 Blog - Stock Photo.jpg

If there’s something happening in your relationship that doesn’t feel good, like:⠀
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💔 You’re communicated with in a way that’s not comfortable.⠀
💔 The division of labor feels off.⠀
💔 You don’t have enough quality time together.⠀
💔 You don’t feel connected or close to one another.⠀
💔 You experience your partner yelling at you or using harsh tones.⠀
💔 You don’t feel heard or understood when you share your perspective.⠀
💔 You feel dismissed or rejected when you reach out.⠀
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You don’t need to build a case for why your partner is wrong for doing these things.⠀
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You feeling hurt by it is enough.⠀
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Let’s read that again:⠀
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Your feelings are enough.⠀
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Our natural tendency is to justify why we’re upset with numerous examples of our partner’s behavior, recent and historical, societal rules that say it’s “wrong,” and the back-up that “everyone” would agree with you.⠀
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This is because we don’t expect our feelings to be valued. We don’t think they’re going to be enough, so we piece together a logical, thought-based argument so our needs can be taken seriously.⠀
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I invite you to pause this approach.⠀
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I was sitting here this morning thinking about how my husband and I argue about the division of labor from time to time. It mostly comes up when his work life gets very hectic and I feel left alone with all of the household tasks.⠀
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I was thinking about how the conversations went and how I built the case for it not being “fair,” that he was valuing his work more than mine, and that my work was more important after all.⠀
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Eek.⠀
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Then, I realized all I really needed to say was:⠀
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“I’m feeling really alone with the household tasks. I know you’re working a lot and it’s hard for you to find the time to help, but this feels really uncomfortable. I feel like I have to put my work aside to pick up the slack, which makes me feel even worse. Can we come up with a plan to handle this in a different way?”⠀
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It’s so clear now, but in that moment I was flooded. So, the case-building happened.⠀
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Have you ever built a rock solid, logic-based argument just to get your partner to take your needs seriously?

emotional intimacycommunication

Meredith Silversmith

Jun 26, 2020

Why Anger is Our Preferred Emotion

We have to know what we’re feeling before we can share it with our partner.

When I meet with couples and teach them the communication framework, it becomes apparent that labeling their feelings is something new.

They often jump to - “angry,” “frustrated,” or “fine.”

It can be hard to go deeper and tune in to the feelings that are simmering beneath the surface. These are the more vulnerable emotions that are uncomfortable to sit with, like lonely, unimportant, not thought of, not cared for, or judged. Many of us are skilled at jumping from discomfort to anger, where we can focus on something or someone outside of ourselves and project all our hurt there.

Jun 22, 2020

What Happens When I Yell at My Husband

Last weekend, I yelled at my husband.

It was one of those moments that was so incredibly small, but a few years ago would have gone nuclear.

We were unpacking the car and he went to open the trunk, but it wouldn’t open. I could hear the mechanism unlocking over and over again, but the trunk was stuck. Now, my husband has a tendency to break things. Which I suppose sounds critical, so let me say… I wish my husband would be a bit more gentle with things.

I was annoyed, got out of the car, and snapped at him.

“What did you do to it?!”

5 Ways to Communicate Better By Listening

You know what couples tend to be really bad at?

Listening.

Like, truly listening.

It’s one of the most powerful lessons we need to learn if we’re going to be in a safe, emotionally supportive relationship. It’s also a powerful lesson to learn as we work to dismantle systemic racism in the U.S.

Let’s talk about what being a better listener looks like:

You’re open-minded, not defensive. You are willing to listen with a blank slate in your mind. You have no preconceived notion of what the other person is going to say. You’re not becoming preemptively defensive and building a case for why your perspective is right, theirs is wrong, or picking apart each point they present as they speak. You’ve dropped fully into your role as a listener and feel no need to guard your own beliefs.

Jun 3, 2020

In Lieu of This Week’s Post

Out of respect for the untimely death of George Floyd and many others who have been victims of institutional racism, as well as those suffering from racially-motivated aggression and injustice, I will not be sharing any new content this week.

The atmosphere is heavy and emotions are running high. This is not the time to turn away from the feelings you are experiencing. I encourage my non-Black readers to use this time to reflect, learn, and support Black people in your community, as I am.

I want to use this platform to amplify the voices of Black thought leaders and share resources to deepen your understanding and provide clear actions you can take to help elevate Black people and People of Color in your community. Please see below for Instagram accounts, books, and podcasts to start with.

It's not about how it should be, it's about how it feels.

May 29, 2020

May 19, 2020

Are You Microrejecting Your Partner?

If you’ve been around for a bit, you’re probably familiar with rituals of connection. These are small, positive interactions you have with your partner on a consistent basis. They build the foundation for good feelings, offering benefit of the doubt, and seeing your partner through rose-colored glasses.

Rituals of connection are powerful.

But, if microrejections are happening, their effectiveness is going to be reduced. The deposits they’re making in the emotional bank account are going to be chipped away.

Microrejections are tiny moments of turning away from one another.

May 15, 2020

Let's talk about what DOESN'T work

Let’s talk about what doesn’t work.

I’m sure you have already tried everything to feel closer to your partner again.

You’ve tried asking your partner why they don’t want to spend time with you, but they say, “I do,” and nothing ever changes.

You’ve tried waiting for them to make the first move and invite you to watch a show together or join you for a cup of coffee in the morning, but they don’t.

You act angry and withdrawn to show your partner that something is clearly bothering you. You hope they’ll realize and take some action, but nothing happens.

May 14, 2020

Feel Closer to Your Partner in 7 Days

My Feel Closer to Your Partner in 7 Days Coaching Program begins on Monday!

I’m excited to take another group of couples through this powerful transformation.

Here’s what you’ll learn:

The three areas of your relationship you MUST focus on if you’re going to feel connected
My top 17 suggestions for joint activities that strengthen those areas (don’t worry, you’re only choosing ONE)
A simple daily practice for shifting how you think and feel about your partner immediately
My 20 minute exercise for feeling deeply connected to and supported by your partner every day
The three things you’re doing in conversation that lead to emotional disconnection
4 things you can do to show up for your partner and relationship, even when you don’t feel like it
The exact habits you and your partner need to create to feel more appreciated

May 13, 2020

So, You Don't Spend Enough Quality Time Together

This topic is probably primed for philosophical debate.

But, I’d argue it til the end.

Perception is everything in relationships.

Everything.

Not, most things.

Not, really important.

Couples get stuck in cycles of conflict and poor communication when they expect to, regardless of what each partners’ intentions are.

If you expect your partner to be invalidating, you will see them as invalidating. If you expect your partner to get angry when you bring up a concern, you will see them as angry.

Seeing your partner (and being seen by them) through a positive lens is powerful.

Apr 29, 2020

I Roll My Eyes When People Talk About “Self-Care”

I’ve had a lot of interesting conversations about self-care lately.

A lot of people are feeling like they don’t have time or it can’t be a priority right now because everything else feels more pressing.

Look, I roll my eyes when I hear “self-care.”

But, I also know if we do nothing to ground and care for our bodies and minds, they will eventually do it for us. We’ll get sick. We’ll get a migraine (hello, me last week). We’ll face exhaustion.

I know multiple people who tested negative for COVID-19, but had aligned symptoms - fatigue, headache, muscle weakness, shortness of breath.

Guess what?

It was unmanaged stress and anxiety.

If we don’t care for our bodies, they will create symptoms so we have to.

It's not about how it should be, it's about how it feels.

In Lieu of This Week’s Post

Are You Microrejecting Your Partner?

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