Blog
Why Anger is Our Preferred Emotion
We have to know what we’re feeling before we can share it with our partner.
When I meet with couples and teach them the communication framework, it becomes apparent that labeling their feelings is something new.
They often jump to - “angry,” “frustrated,” or “fine.”
It can be hard to go deeper and tune in to the feelings that are simmering beneath the surface. These are the more vulnerable emotions that are uncomfortable to sit with, like lonely, unimportant, not thought of, not cared for, or judged. Many of us are skilled at jumping from discomfort to anger, where we can focus on something or someone outside of ourselves and project all our hurt there.
What Happens When I Yell at My Husband
Last weekend, I yelled at my husband.
It was one of those moments that was so incredibly small, but a few years ago would have gone nuclear.
We were unpacking the car and he went to open the trunk, but it wouldn’t open. I could hear the mechanism unlocking over and over again, but the trunk was stuck. Now, my husband has a tendency to break things. Which I suppose sounds critical, so let me say… I wish my husband would be a bit more gentle with things.
I was annoyed, got out of the car, and snapped at him.
“What did you do to it?!”
5 Ways to Communicate Better By Listening
You know what couples tend to be really bad at?
Listening.
Like, truly listening.
It’s one of the most powerful lessons we need to learn if we’re going to be in a safe, emotionally supportive relationship. It’s also a powerful lesson to learn as we work to dismantle systemic racism in the U.S.
Let’s talk about what being a better listener looks like:
You’re open-minded, not defensive. You are willing to listen with a blank slate in your mind. You have no preconceived notion of what the other person is going to say. You’re not becoming preemptively defensive and building a case for why your perspective is right, theirs is wrong, or picking apart each point they present as they speak. You’ve dropped fully into your role as a listener and feel no need to guard your own beliefs.
It's not about how it should be, it's about how it feels.
If there’s something happening in your relationship that doesn’t feel good, like:⠀
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💔 You’re communicated with in a way that’s not comfortable.⠀
💔 The division of labor feels off.⠀
💔 You don’t have enough quality time together.⠀
💔 You don’t feel connected or close to one another.⠀
💔 You experience your partner yelling at you or using harsh tones.⠀
💔 You don’t feel heard or understood when you share your perspective.⠀
💔 You feel dismissed or rejected when you reach out.⠀
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You don’t need to build a case for why your partner is wrong for doing these things.⠀
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You feeling hurt by it is enough.
How We’re Surviving “Stay at Home” During Coronavirus
My husband and I have been fully home together for almost three weeks now. And you know what? There have been no blow-ups, no periods of not speaking, and no disconnection.
We’re both working (from home) and trying to manage the household needs. For people who were often on the run, preparing and cleaning up after three meals a day is quite a shift. We have a kitty with some medical issues who needs care three times a day and weekly trips to the vet, even in this craziness. I’m working more now than I usually am and he’s working very long hours 6-7 days a week.
We’re not in vacation mode.
In all this, we’ve had our moments of frustration or being short with one another, but overall we’re navigating this as a team.
The Most Effective Way to Start a Fight
In a relationship, we make lots of assumptions about our partner’s intentions.
Their tone sounds frustrated, so we assume they’re frustrated with us.
Their facial expression seems uninterested, so we assume they’re uninterested in what we’re telling them.
They didn’t answer our texts for a few hours, so we assume they’re purposely ignoring us.
Our assumptions are based on perception, not reality, so they cannot be heavily relied on. You can, however, rely on the answer your partner gives you about their intentions. You just have to ask.
So, why don’t we ask?